Improving your Marriage on Your Own

Improving a marital relationship is something most people think of as a team effort—and ideally, it is. However, sometimes only one partner is actively trying to make things better and I see this quite often in my therapy work with clients – where they want to engage in couple therapy but their partner refuses (or begrudgingly attends – without motivation to work on the relationship).   If this is the situation you are in, don’t despair.  While you can't single-handedly fix every problem in a marriage, it is possible to make meaningful changes that influence your relationship in positive ways.

Naturally, relationships that involve abuse, coercive control, or persistent unwillingness from your partner to engage respectfully, are more unlikely to improve from individual effort alone. In those situations, focusing on your safety and seeking appropriate support may be more important.

How to Improve Your Marital Relationship on Your Own:

While you can't control another person's choices, you do have control over your own actions, attitudes, and responses.  Looking at our own thoughts, beliefs, responses, and habits, we can create changes that may improve our own happiness and increase harmony in our relationships. 

Identify what you want to work on:

Ask yourself some of the following questions to do a quick scan of areas in which you may want to make changes:

• How do I respond during disagreements?

• Do I truly listen to my partner, and reflect understanding to them, or do I rebut, or continue with my own train of thought?

• Do I try to seek a compromise or do I try to win?

• Do I let go of past disagreements or do I “keep score” and/or try to punish my partner?

• Have I been expressing appreciation as often as criticism?

• Are there any unhelpful communication habits I could improve on (e.g. stonewalling, name-calling, criticizing, increasing voice volume)

Just taking one or two focal points for change is best, to keep it simple and easy for yourself.   Resist the urge to compare your efforts to your partner’s efforts.  Remember you are doing this for YOU, as it is YOUR wish to improve the relationship.  When you stop trying to manage your spouse's behavior, you often experience greater peace regardless of how quickly the relationship changes.

It can help enormously to read books or listen to audiobooks or podcasts etc to identify areas of change and make a positive contribution to your marriage. I can recommend John Gottman's work for this purpose. He has written a number of self-help books, such as "The Seven Principles fo Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, Revised and Updated" by John M Gottman and Nan Silver https://amzn.asia/d/08vb60oyand

Set your Intention for Change:

Ask yourself:  How do I want my spouse to feel? (e.g. loved, safe, supported)

Then ask:  What could I say/do to help that to happen?   (e.g. compliment their strengths, say thank you, send them a loving message).

Look after Yourself:

Your emotional and physical health affects your attitudes and interactions with loved ones.   Identify areas where you need to look after yourself a little better (e.g. exercise, sleep, stress management, time with friends).  Remember, a relationship benefits when each partner continues to grow individually.  The more fulfilled you become as an individual, the more you have to contribute to the relationship.

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